I know I've posted a lot on here about my different "life struggles." I've had people ask me how I can talk about things that are so personal knowing that others will read it. I guess that's because I've always been like that. I'm an open book and hopefully from reading about my struggles and challenges, others will gain some understanding and insight into their own lives. That is my hope at least.
I've been very open about my struggles being a first year teacher. I have to say that I've never worked harder at anything in my life. A challenge would be putting it lightly. College in no way prepares you for that first year. Everything I learned in college I used in the first 15 minutes of the first day of school. I've studied, researched, begged and borrowed resources. I've done everything in my power to push my kids-to grow them-to love them-to watch them succeed. In looking at it that way, it's been very rewarding in knowing that I've played a part in the education of a child. I stand firmly in my belief that getting an education is one of the most important things someone will ever do. It marks your spot in the future.
However, the fire I had at the beginning of the school year is slowly going out. My inspiration has been replaced with thoughts of everything I've missed out on this year with my kids. I missed every single program Emma had at preschool this year-every one. I can't get those precious moments back. She even sang a solo last week and I wasn't there. I've missed vital moments in Maci's young life-she's growing so quickly and it's hard to believe she's 16 months old already! I say all the time that I miss out on my favorite time of the day with my girls-the morning. They are so sweet and lovable in the morning time. I never feed them breakfast or lunch-I never get them ready for the day-I never put them down for a nap. These are all things that I'm just not sure I'm okay with missing out on. I have one more year with Emma before she starts school-that's it. I can't believe my baby will be starting school in one short year! Where has the time gone?
I've found myself questioning God a lot lately. Why am I here? Why does my job have to be so stressful? Have I given my students enough? Did I push them enough? Do I even have what it takes to be an effective teacher? Are my kids sacrificing for my career? All these things were going through my mind today and then a sweet friend posted something on Facebook that stopped me in my tracks-made me hit my knees and thank God for where I am.
"Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth, would care to know my name, would care to feel my hurt? Who am I, that the bright and morning star, would chose to light the way for my ever wandering heart? Who am I, that the eyes who see my sin, would look on me with love and watch me rise again? Who am I, that the voice who calmed the sea, would call out through the rain, and calm the storm in me?"
This just speaks volumes to me today. It's exactly what I needed to hear. God just seems to put things and people in my path that brings me back down and reminds me that He's still here.